Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ground floor opportunity!

Build a better franchise operation and the suckers world will beat a path to your door, right? Well, I've been researching the field with an eye toward important factors like net profit after operations costs, customer retention, etc., and I think I've found it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you


No longer must you be an Indian ascetic, a Korean huckster or a paranoid schizophrenic who thinks he's Jesus to experience the benefits of cult leadership. We're talking turnkey operation here, folks!

- No mass suicides or murder sprees required -- as a matter of fact, they're prohibited in the Franchise Policy Manual. My intensive research has revealed that killing the customers or getting the operation's executives incarcerated for life has a long-term negative effect on the revenue stream. Your cult's activities will include non-cyanide-laced punch and aggressive paintball-based rituals to help you get the group tension out without the bother of police involvement or last wills and testaments.

- While yogic flying and human cloning are nice tricks, they also represent significant investments of mana or money -- investments that can bankrupt an otherwise successful cult before it gets off the ground. A CULT OF MY VERY OWN is committed to bringing the benefits of cult leadership to a class of investors who don't have the time to spend decades in a Himalayan ashram or the money to spend millions on biotech research. Our franchisee training is based on the proven principles of stage magic and commercial "psychic" trickery. In no time at all, you'll be doing cold readings, bending spoons and turning your pee into rosewater for delighted devotees!

- Pregnant devotees -- or, worse yet, franchisees? Disaffected followers demanding their Microsoft stock back? We've got you covered! A CULT OF MY VERY OWN franchisees gain immediate access to health benefits including discount vasectomies and tubal ligations. And our legal department stands ready to draw up airtight trust and transfer documents for a miniscule percentage of your take! We know your private jet and condo in Dubai are important to you, and we know you have a choice of upline suppliers to choose from. Thank you for choosing A CULT OF MY VERY OWN.

- A CULT OF MY VERY OWN puts modern technology to work for its franchisees. No more standing around airports hawking expensive books, or fiddling with pricy electronic gadgets to peel off bad juju! Your franchise web site comes pre-stocked with an amazing, configurable array of psychobabble essays and glitzy New Agey graphics -- not to mention on-demand ordering of attractive merchandise (how could you NOT offer your followers a limited edition bobblehead?) which is virtually guaranteed to run up devotee credit card balances to the max in record time (if there's anything left after their love offerings).

Get in on the ground floor now with A CULT OF MY VERY OWN! All you need is a building and a low-six-figures franchise buy-in fee, plus monthly percentages of gross. UFO encounters not included. Unserious inquiries only, please.

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